i think this was the epitome of my life for the last few years BUT LOOK things are getting DIFFERENT!!#!

ONCE UPON A GETTING CLEAN

Sobriety: Day 9
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Its funny how all this agonizing over my mental health, 4ever, it seems.
And it never even occurred to me to get sober.'
Already I feel doors opening walls crumbling its really, really quite strange how happy this is making me.

Two days ago, New Years Eve, it was my birthday. I was up very early because I did an overnight hosting of the shelter, I spent all morning reading Smashed: Tales of A Drunken Girlhood. I found this book in my high school possessions at my parents house, couldn't help but bringing it on the plane. KAY this author is totally dumb, FYI, shes a bad writer and she tries to weave in a feminist analysis towards the end and it doesnt really work. And she starts off telling about this one time when she blacked out and didnt remember anything from the whole night and it was oh-so-traumatizing THE SCARIEST SCARIEST THING. And here I am going Well, that happens to me like once a week or like whenever I'm all in to PARTYING so obviously homegirl you don't know shit about a drunken girlhood...

Then comes my birthday celebration, and oh boy, is that a black hole. Its about 11:30 and I'm drinking 4Loco in an alley with Vadi and Guy, and of course I do not need to be doing this everyone has bought me drinks and I've had at least five in the last hour, but cmon its my birthday and New Years WHATEVER. Us leaving the alleyway is probably when my brain checked out, the rest of the evening is a few weird blips of memory, a horrible trackrecord on my cellphone, a bunch of those stories the people less drunk want to tell you about what you did that you know you don't remember.

So Im thinking, that well it was my 21st birthday, and New Years Eve, and everyone else was sloppy drunk too. WHATEVER. Then, I remember, that I did the same thing less then a week ago, on Christmas, and what happened in THAT five hour block of time I dont remember obviously amounted into something pretty substantial...and I've got no idea how it happened...

And he was right, when he said there is not a time when I am not grumbling and saying HOW DID THAT HAPPEN THAT WAS SO FUCKED UP. There is not a time when I am not OVER THE EDGE INSANE, making out with everyone throwing tantrums declaring my undying HATRED for people CONFESSING THINGS I DONT EVEN REALLY THINK and getting myself into HORRIBLE SITUATIONS THAT IM SEEMINGLY NEVER GOING TO RECOVER FROM.
No, there is not a time, this seems to be my walk of life.

Courtney Love always had love affairs with Rock Stars where everything was dramatic and they were sleeping with all sorts of other people and everything was on and off. Once upon a time she calls Billy Corgan in a whirlwind of tantrum WHAT THE FUCK IM NOT ENOUGH THEN FINE, FINE FINE FINE, THIS IS IT GOODBYE. Who knows if she is wasted but I imagine Yes.

I am trapped in this tone, this kind of conversation.

Alone.

How many Heart songs can I listen to before I stop crying.
How many times can I tell myself I need to change my Life and my Self before I actually do something about it.
How long have I been sitting around waiting for something to Happen?

" F LOVE "
- Rihanna

everybody loves a lover

Guess ya might call me a Pollyanna

Well, I failed Statistics, but I think its okay, because the last day of class I got a lightning bolt tat instead of taking the final and this was a much more agreeable way of spending my time.

In other news I think I'm going to stop throwing tantrums soon.

I just have to figure out a way of cleverly discarding everything that makes me so mad.